Saturday, March 16, 2013

Striving for mental health

Ive been skipping out on writing my blog because I have been unwell both physically and my mental health has been suffering. What I thought was hay fever turned into a flu so I haven't been able to exercise as much. Not only that I have been suffering with depression quite badly lately. If I were to be honest with myself it has been a while and its been progressively getting worse.

I can pin point it back to when my sister assaulted me. That's about the time my weight started going up. It was also the time i had to quit the gym and try to have a new routine now I couldn't rely on the creche and the time i enjoyed with out the kids. it was a great social outlet. I have probably written about this before but i feel i have to put it out there so I can understand where things went wrong. I have made many genuine attempts to get back on track but it isn't until today 6mths later i am thinking clearly. 

Back in December I tried to convince my doctor that the prescription I was on was not strong enough of course because I was off my tablets at the time he wanted to put me on the same prescription and also to see a phsycologist. So Ive been seeing someone to help me feel not so overwhelmed with everything. Knowing in the back of my mind if i have a stronger prescription i would feel a bit better. Things have been so so negative in my life, Ive been negative and feeling trapped in a stressful life, not knowing how to change things. Ive had so called friends reject me and Ive been feeling like i don't want to be around people but with that comes loneliness. 

I also have not been dealing very well with my emotional and very energetic son. I realised today that part of his behavior he is feeding off of how I feel. I don't want him to grow up that way. I want him to be positive and strong and happy. 

I made the decision to take myself out without hubby and kids last night to a local theatre production of Wind in the Willows. I asked a friend of mine to come along and I have to say not only was it good to have a great friend with me but I laughed so hard, it was such a quirky and very funny show! best thing i have done in a while to make myself happy and relax! The other thing i thought I would try, which will see me at the doctors this week is I upped my anti depressant by half a tablet to see if it will make a difference. It has made such a world of difference! 

Earlier this week we had the real estate ring to tell me we had breached because when they came around the house was a mess, and of course I hadn't wiped the grubby marks off the walls and lets just say i completely forgot they were coming round. It made me angry and I tried justifying why my house was messy, blaming it on kids, hubby working away, me being sick. I cried so much the next couple of days. it was a real kick in the guts. The reality was I was in denial of not coping, hiding from everything, not facing my problems and it was really showing in my house! 

My pride had been bruised but with some kind help in the last few days I have got myself  fixing things. I have a white board marker I write my tasks for the day and make sure i mark them off once they are done. I also add an extra task i can do each day that wont make me feel overwhelmed but also catch up and get in control. For example I will wash a wall or two each day until I've done the house or sort out one room just small steps. 

I am healing myself, and facing reality but at a gentle pace so that I can keep going. As I keep getting better than I will be able to do more. I noticed because of how calm I was today, my son who usually goes nuts everyday was so calm and such a good boy! I was so proud of him. Tomorrow is a rest day,  so Monday will be a new start to getting better both physically and mentally. If my head is a mess my body wont be healthy. So here is to a healthy mind and body. 

ps. No matter how far down the road you have gone wrong, you can always turn around

SusieNona xx

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