Friday, September 27, 2013

Jumping in at the deep end

My post today is a bit of a personal one. You see i know a part of what has been holding me back has been my rocky marriage. I do love my husband but I have finally reached a point where enough is enough. I have literally said to my husband, that I want to call it quits. You wonder why after saying how much I love him????

Well my marriage has a history of abuse. I left my husband 4 years ago because of him being so abusive both physically, emotionally, verbally. I had reached a point where I couldn't go on anymore. I was just existing in survival mode. It took a lot of courage but once I did it I was happier in my life than I had ever remembered. I was free from it all. Though a few months later I went back, at the wrong time, and though I thought we were moving on, it fell into the whole cycle of abuse again.

4 years later and another child, I am a much stronger person, and completely at the end of my tether. I have been feeling so miserable and though I have attempted to do another round of 12wbt as I have gained 10 kg from emotional eating, I haven't been doing too well. I have to say, one positive has been that I joined an amazing gym and gaining so much support and encouragement by ones there.

Anyway, the last straw was being abused about not putting fuel in the car before picking hubby up from working away. I was so crushed by the hurtful things said I completely shut off. I said, you know what? I don't want to hear this anymore. Its an easily resolved issue (pull in to the servo and fueling up). So, I sat silent for the whole trip home. A good hour or so of silence. That night I called it quits. I just don't want it anymore. No more criticizing, no more name calling, no more racist comments, no more negative. It was making me miserable to say the least. And I have been doing this for 9 and a half years.

I feel like I have finally stepped up and spoken the truth. Like a release from what was holding me back. I feel amazingly lighter and happier for my decision. I was calm and firm yet strongly resolved that I will not be going back, as it will be like I am cheating on my true self. I feel I have let go of those chains holding me down., a freedom from the abuse I've been dealing with all these years.

So where to from here???

Well Its only the beginning, so there are a few things needed to be sorted out. I am going to get myself a little run about next week so I am not without a car and can still get to the gym! I'm determined to take advantage of my new lease on life and be the person I want to be. To live life not just exist!


Friday, September 20, 2013

Grateful and Positive!!!

This week has been a real mixed bag of crazy! This week has not been one of my best. In fact it saw me crying at the drop of a hat, refusing to answer phone calls, wanting to leave my husband and put a hold on going ahead with building our house. Also not getting to the gym, spending money I shouldn't and downing lots of coffee and chocolate!!

I was so ready to crash and burn, but this is how I am turning it around......

Today I realised that despite all my efforts, I was not letting go of the past. All these negative things I have been heaping on my shoulders and not letting go have been stopping me from achieving many of my positive life changing goals I wish to make my future a better one! Its dawned on me that I have been holding onto these things for such a long time, I am so used to them that adding anything extra to my life makes me feel overwhelmed and I find myself crashing and burning.

Thanks to the kind positive words of the instructor I had today in boxing. I started talking to a lady at the end of class, asking what program she is doing as her physique was amazing. In my usual manner of conversation I went on to tell her I lost 20kg but gained 10kg because of this reason and that reason, blahh dee daa..... As I was talking the instructor overheard me mention 20kg loss, then whipped me out of the class (the class had finished.) and I started on the whole lost 20kg gained 10kg etc. I could feel myself welling up with tears and saying how much I'm not coping! (well hello its a pretty big burden Ive been carrying around on my shoulders all my life!! must weigh 10tonnes by now!!!)

She stopped me in my tracks and said "Susanne, you have to change the way you view things. so what that you have gained 10kg. look at it this way, you have lost 10kg and you have 10 to go, and don't worry about trying to get back on track, you are already on track as you are here, exercising, making the effort to get fit and healthy! Talking about gaining the weight again is holding you back, you can not move forward until you accept the past is in the past and look forward. Stop looking behind you, those things don't matter anymore!" Talk about amazing pep talk! I have been told all week, I have to toughen up and be more positive, and not until today do I realise how ungrateful and burdened I have been, and I have done it to myself! No wonder I'm feeling worn out and depressed!

About 5 minutes before taking my daughter out of crèche I grabbed my clothes, makeup and jewellery, got changed and walked out feeling amazing! ( I didn't forget my daughter! ) I had an enjoyable lunch, a pedicure, makeup done and took my two children out for a nice meal at a local Chinese restaurant, where a friend saw us and joined us for a positive chat.

After sharing this experience with some 12wbt mums, and then watching the video on being grateful, I was inspired to write this blog to share my experience with you all.

So many positive things have happened to me, especially in the past week that I have not been grateful enough for because I haven't had the room in my mind for it. Don't get me wrong, I certainly noticed them, its just making the room for them I am now going to make!

So here goes........ I will no longer look in the rear view mirror of my life, I, today, now let it all go and say goodbye. GOODBYE!!!!!! (saying this out loud right now!!)

Today I am grateful for all the positive beautiful friends I have. I am grateful for the ones that pop into my day just when I need a pick me up. I am grateful for waking up each day especially by my crazy, funny, children that always find a way of making me laugh and smile. I am grateful for all the sacrifice and hard work my husband does for our family, to give us a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. I am grateful for my faith and hope for the future. I am grateful for this amazing program that is continuing to see positive changes in my life,

My list is much longer and I will be adding to it each day. I will keep you posted.

Hope you enjoy your read!


Saturday, September 14, 2013

Getting my Grooooove Back!!!

This week has been all about changes that have seen me becoming a much more positive and happier person. It started out with joining the gym again which my hubby graciously volunteered to pay for... ( one of the many things he doesn't know he volunteers for! hehehe). I have been to 3 classes this week. Rpm, Zumba and Sh'bam.

I am feeling like I am getting my life back again. I am finally looking after myself. Giving myself, me time, time to feel like a human again!! It is a great social outlet and frustration outlet away from kids and hubby.

One highlight this week is meeting former 12wbt champion, Tracey Dunn! I went up to her not realising it and asked about spray and wipe for the equipment as in my old gym we had to wipe down the machines each time. She looked up at me and smiled and I repeated myself and then said, "And why do you look so familiar to me!?" Then she tells me who she was and was over the moon. I had a wonderful conversation with her, great advice and encouragement. I have been following Tracey for a while and its so encouraging seeing the dedication she has put into her weight loss and now figure competitions.

Today I went to the gym and tried another new class, Sh'Bam. Wow, what a workout that is, almost as intense as attack in some parts. To top it off the instructor was a friend of mine and after taking my daughter out of crèche, we ran in the rain to the café next door, which I had never been to, gorgeous place too, and she shouted me a macchiato, and we talked for over an hour.

I feel like I've been not only looking after myself, people I know have been looking out for me too.
I realise I have some beautiful friends but when depression overtakes my positive thinking, I feel like I am the loneliest person. I also don't want people to be around me when I'm feeling so low. Exercise really is a natural antidepressant. I forgot for a while how great it was. No wonder I was so addicted to working out all the time in the past. I can appreciate my friends much more too!

So onward and upwards I'm going, each day with a smile on my face!!

Enjoy!! :)

Monday, September 9, 2013

Wake up Call and 20 pushups.

Over the weekend while my husband is here, we took the kids out for some family outings. First SciTech and then AQWA. Both fantastic outings. Pics were taken and when we got home I saw the pic taken of my son and I.... Though I was happy in the pic, it dawned on me how much I really let myself go, especially since moving to Perth. Well really I see it from the time I had to stop going to the gym about a year ago.

The gym has always been a great social outlet, frustration outlet, great exercise and a break from kids and hubby. When I had to let all that go because of finances it really affected me. All the anxiety and deep depression I used to suffer all came flooding back and fell into a vicious cycle of not being able to break out of it. I have always suffered with depression but it came back worse when exercise stopped.

Anyway back to the picture, I was really disappointed in myself for slipping and gaining the weight I have. And I don't even like what I see in the mirror, and I hate not knowing what to wear or feeling uncomfortable because clothes are tight.

Yesterday, I saw a post by Lorna Jane, that said Drop and give me 20 push ups! After a few seconds of internal arguing I did it! Those 20 push ups turned my miserable day into a happier one, to the point I got my gyms clothes on and with no kids or husband drove all the way to the gym and started filling in a free pass.

 I don't know about you, but some places I don't feel as comfortable as others. I had checked out a gym a bit further away and instantly loved the atmosphere. So, in the middle of filling in this form, I grabbed my bag, and walked out. Instead of driving home, I drove to the other gym and felt completely at home and happier. I said to the girls at reception, I was  going to join tonight, filled in the free pass and did a gruelling rpm class. So glad I stayed for the whole class and had an amazing chat to the instructor after.

I decided on an off peak membership as it would fit in with crèche and the classes I wanted to do. To top it off I had the most amazing sleep, even though my 3yr old daughter took up most of the bed and I have a sore butt this morning, the good mood is lingering and I love it!

So that was my day and how 20 push ups turned it all around!