Friday, September 27, 2013

Jumping in at the deep end

My post today is a bit of a personal one. You see i know a part of what has been holding me back has been my rocky marriage. I do love my husband but I have finally reached a point where enough is enough. I have literally said to my husband, that I want to call it quits. You wonder why after saying how much I love him????

Well my marriage has a history of abuse. I left my husband 4 years ago because of him being so abusive both physically, emotionally, verbally. I had reached a point where I couldn't go on anymore. I was just existing in survival mode. It took a lot of courage but once I did it I was happier in my life than I had ever remembered. I was free from it all. Though a few months later I went back, at the wrong time, and though I thought we were moving on, it fell into the whole cycle of abuse again.

4 years later and another child, I am a much stronger person, and completely at the end of my tether. I have been feeling so miserable and though I have attempted to do another round of 12wbt as I have gained 10 kg from emotional eating, I haven't been doing too well. I have to say, one positive has been that I joined an amazing gym and gaining so much support and encouragement by ones there.

Anyway, the last straw was being abused about not putting fuel in the car before picking hubby up from working away. I was so crushed by the hurtful things said I completely shut off. I said, you know what? I don't want to hear this anymore. Its an easily resolved issue (pull in to the servo and fueling up). So, I sat silent for the whole trip home. A good hour or so of silence. That night I called it quits. I just don't want it anymore. No more criticizing, no more name calling, no more racist comments, no more negative. It was making me miserable to say the least. And I have been doing this for 9 and a half years.

I feel like I have finally stepped up and spoken the truth. Like a release from what was holding me back. I feel amazingly lighter and happier for my decision. I was calm and firm yet strongly resolved that I will not be going back, as it will be like I am cheating on my true self. I feel I have let go of those chains holding me down., a freedom from the abuse I've been dealing with all these years.

So where to from here???

Well Its only the beginning, so there are a few things needed to be sorted out. I am going to get myself a little run about next week so I am not without a car and can still get to the gym! I'm determined to take advantage of my new lease on life and be the person I want to be. To live life not just exist!


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