Friday, January 6, 2012

Why the hell do i self sabotage???!!!

Ok, so I felt the need to write my blog again, since i have so much on my mind. Please excuse some of my mistakes, when i get going i tend to think faster than i write and my fingers don't keep up! :)

This has been something on my mind for a while. At first when i saw the video on self sabotage I thought, phew, I'm not a self sabotager. Well how wrong was I!? Very!! I guess its not easy that my hubby works away two weeks and comes home for one week. Now I am fantastic while he is away, I'm so used to him working away i have quite a good routine but when he comes home, its like everything flies out the window and i give myself permission to eat whatever I like and how much i want! I don't know why I do it! Maybe its because while hubby is away, i have clean food and no junk in the house but in his mind there is no food in the house to snack on so goes out for junk food. I try my best to not touch it but its soooo hard!!!

So who do i blame? Hubby for bringing the food into the house? or me for not using my will power??

It should just be simple. But losing weight is a difficult thing. I guess growing up i was always slim, athletic before getting sick, but used to eating what i want and now i cant do that! I have had this secret i haven't shared with anyone before. Sometimes, and i mean very rarely i purge. I had started out my day really well yesterday but i went down hill, with 3 party pies and two bowls of rice and sweet potato with milk and curry. Then half a packet of shapes with a dip. I was so disgusted with myself and so full. I went off to the toilet and forced myself to throw up until at least half of what i ate came out. Of course my stomach felt better but my mind didn't. I had done this with no one knowing. I even made myfitnesspal diary meal entries look like i didn't eat all that food. And today I haven't used my diary because I am so ashamed of myself and of course its been a road trip so I've eaten pretty crappy.

So where do i go from here? I am certainly not giving up my goal of losing weight becoming as healthy as I can be! I have a stubborn streak that wont let me give up, even if I'm the slowest to lose it, i will get there! I feel like i really need to sit and meditate on the last few days and really consider why I do what I do. I know what needs to be done, its putting it into action that's hard.

Sometimes i wish i had a friend to do this journey with, the go to the gym with. Yes there are some women in Kalgoorlie doing the 12wbt journey but getting round to catching up is hard. Again this is a whole different story which will get sorted. So i hope you enjoy my blog and feel free to comment. I'm certainly needing some input! xx

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